This evening has just turned into a major stress ball. I have expired domains I need to sort out which I can’t do because I simply don’t have any money! Where is all my money? How did I end up with this little? I’m so screwed, I’m utterly, utterly screwed. I’m completely unemployable, I don’t even have time to look for a job given how much I have to do. I have to be in a lecture at 10 tomorrow, which is going to take all day then I have to get back, sort my stuff out and get back to town.
My VPS is overloaded with 100% CPU usage constantly despite what I’ve done so far and let’s face it I don’t really know what I’m doing. People could be abusing my server for anything and how the hell would I know what was going on?
I have to go home in two weeks and I really don’t want to and I’m just going to get a torrent of abuse over how I miserably failed to get a job as soon as I get there. My room is a total tip and I don’t know how I am going to sort everything and pack everything in time. As ever I also have a million little things to do as well which keep building up no matter how many of them you get done.
So let’s review the situation. I have virtually no money and will be on a 0 count by the end of the term along with a £1,000 overdraft and money taken from other accounts. I still have hosting bills and other things to pay for even if I ignore all socialising which costs me loads in taxis when I am at home. I have no job, my online businesses are a joke given how much time I’ve put into them and despite being at uni a whole year I am still miserably alone.
I mean, what happened to me life? Why am I such a complete failure? For the first time in memory I start to almost enjoy my life and all it does is blind me from the fact I’m not really getting anywhere and all my hopes and dreams are slowly rotting while I blind myself to the fact with uncontrollable spending, abusing my body in most of the ways possible and enough social events that I never have chance to think about anything that’s important.
I wouldn’t mind if I could continue to blind myself to the fact but I have 3 months ahead of me, where the best, the very best thing that can happen is that I get to spend 3 months working a 9-5 job every day which sucks all the joy from my life. That’s the best that can happen. At worst, I don’t even know how bad it can be but I know it’s going to involve me feeling worthless for 3 months and having no money to even pay for my next year at uni.
Far from worst of all but certainly adding insult to injury is the fact I only have about half a dozen unwatched episodes of Dawson’s Creek left. I know that sounds silly and it probably trivialises what I have just said and makes me sound like I’m joking but thoughout my time at six form, especially last summer, that know kept me alive. I mean, it mean’t everything to me. Everything! As I explained in my post in March, “the trouble with home,” I honestly don’t know what I would have done without it.
But the fact is, it’s not going to be alright. It’s not going to all work out any time soon no matter how much I regress into fantasy worlds or reassure myself that I’m going to suceed. Before uni my life was just about my websites and other such related frontiers. And yet I can’t even keep my VPS online! All uni has done is to obsecure all kind of life goals I had. If it was just putting my life on hold for a few years I could live with that, but it’s not, it’s undoing anything I tried to do, everything I still want to do because I don’t really care about a degree.
I’m reasonably certain that by tomorrow night I won’t be thinking about all this and I will be just having a good night out again. But it’s not good. I don’t know what I feel right now. But I feel like I am spiraling down towards a place I always said I would want to end my life if I reached it. And I don’t feel any different now I am looking at it.
I know I have always had rather grand dreams and having complete faith that I will achive them (which I still hold) is from an outsider’s perspective setting myself up for disappointment, it’s not like I’m getting anything here. My life goals are going completely unforfilled, this is so far from where I wanted to be by the time I was facing 20 it’s a joke and by the time I have time to stop and try and sort my life out it’s probably going to be Christmas and I’ll be almost half way through my degree course.
I don’t know what to do now. My grand plan for my life has never really been that precise but that’s because it didn’t need to be. Now it does. I need to be doing something, and I’m not, I’m just failing miserably. And it’s not going to get better any time soon.
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This entry was posted on Monday, June 5th, 2006 at 1:12 am and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.