Alpha Security Ltd

Having recently been contacted by a Libyan solider who had $50 million to split between us, I was currently engaged in sorting out the details with the UK based security company, Alpha Security Ltd. I had just sent them over my details but with my phone unfortunately broken, said we would have to continue planning by email.

Dear Bernard,

Not to worry, I can’t imagine it will be an issue either way. We should, as you suggest then, proceed with full steam ahead. The tourism season is approaching after all and I’m sure the restaurant will be placing many orders with my brother’s farm soon!

Actually, my brother was recently doing some market research as he is trying to gauge the expectations of his target audience. As a well to do business man that I am sure you am, perhaps you could lend your opinion. On a traditional hog roast you normally stuff an apple in the pig’s mouth. Obviously, with these being miniature pigs, we would need miniature apples, and he can’t do that. So he is wondering if the effect would be spoilt?

On the matter of proceeding, you would normally be able to reach me on 0113 350 7662, however we’ve been having some problems with our service recently, so I fear we may need to proceed via email.

Yours faithfully,
Rev Chris Worfolk

Unhelpfully, Bernard ingored my brother’s market research question and continued to discuss the arrangements.

Dear Rev. Chris Worfolk,

In line with our last email correspondence regarding the delivery of the consignment deposited with us in which you are the beneficiary, we wish to inform you that the consignment is ready to be delivered to your door step by our assignment Diplomat upon receipt of the following mandatory and non negotiation obligations.

1. Your mailing address which also include the nearest Airport to your home.
2. Payment of KYC and profile definition of USD550

Please treat this as a matter of urgency to enable complete our assignment and on time.

The fee should be sent in the of our Secretary as follows:

NAME: Victoria Ashley
ADDRESS: London UK

Please endeavour to send us the scan copy of the payment slip.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard David
Manager, Treasury Department

The address looked a bit suspect, so I asked for clarification.

Dear Bernard,

Good to hear from you. When I didn’t hear anything for a few days, I feared something might have gone wrong! So it’s very comforting to know that everything is ready.

My mailing address is:

3 Brockley Close
Church Fenton
Tadcaster
LS24 9RB

The nearest airport would be Leeds & Bradford International.

As for payment, I have this ready to send, but I don’t think I can send it to “Victoria Ashley, London, UK.” Normally you would also include a number, street name and postcode, as I fear that there may be many Victoria Ashleys in London, and how would the Royal Mail know which one to deliver it to?

Best wishes,
Rev Chris Worfolk

Bernard got back to me with a clarification on the address.

Dear Rev Chris Worfolk,

Thanks for your response and your observation. Yours mailing address and nearest airport is noted.

You are therefore requested to send the USD550 through western union money transfer with our secretary name and address below:

Victoria Ashley
62b, Clarendon Road, London E17 9AZ UK

Please ensure to send us the payment details via email to enable the Diplomat deliver to you address as follows:

3 Brockley Close
Church Fenton
Tadcaster
LS24 9RB

Yours faithfully,

Bernard David
Manager, Treasury Department

Unfortunately, I didn’t know what Western Union was.

Dear Bernard,

I must say that I am most confused. What is Western Union? It sounds like some kind of railway network. Are you suggesting that I put the money on a train?

Best wishes,
Rev Chris Worfolk

Bernard seemed quite surprised I hadn’t heard of it.

Dear Rev. Chris Worfolk,

I am amazed that you are hearing about the western union money transfer for the first time. It is the fastest way to send or receive money across the globe.

I want you to understand that you are the one delaying the delivery of your consignment. All you have to do is walk into any Western Union Money transfer agent or Money gram and tell them that you want to send money to the detail given to you.

They will give a form which you will complete after which they will collect the money from you and immediately dispatch it. Please you must understand that time is of essence in this transaction.

Waiting for your response with the payment details.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard David

Unfortunately, we simply don’t have any of that in the small village where I live.

Dear Bernard,

The fastest way to send or receive money across the globe? That is quite something. However, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have anything like that in the sleepy village of Church Fenton. Surely I can just send the money via back transfer?

Best wishes,
Rev Chris Worfolk

Apparently, I could.

Dear Rev. Chris Wolfork,

As per your request, please send the wire transfer to this account to our agent in USA.

William w. Miller Jr,
Regions Bank , 620 veterans memorial drive, Kosciusko, Mississippi 39090 USA

Routing # 065305436

Acct # 0169815690

Please ensure to send us the payment via email attachment.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard David

At this point, I got bored. Shame, I could have really done with the money.

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2012 at 12:16 pm and is filed under Distractions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.