Chris Worfolk's Blog

Doing some much needed washing at the moment so I’m probably not going to be in bed until like 2. Probably not good as I have to be up at like 8:30 tomorrow but I figured I was going to be very pushed to get my 8 hours in so if I was going to strain to get up I might as well make the most of it and make it a late night.

After lectures today we went to Hyde Park to hang around for a few hours (of which I took a break from to go into town and look for a job) and eventually we headed into DEC-10 to get some of the lab session done. I only did a bit of it but it’s a start :D. Then I headed back to Bod to get dinner and later returned to The Library for an evening of drinking.

It’s the start of another C lab session and none of the staff seem to be here. Ok, I’ve spotted one happy helper. Maybe the rest got killed, Drew said he would probably working as a happy helper but then Ash finished at 3 yesterday so maybe Drew has done the same thing. Once I get this done there is only another 2 days to go and then we have a whole weekend of partying. Except that there is not much good on this weekend. Although there is Friday Flock. Recent events with Becky mean pre-drinks at Fab may be off though and Janine has gone home today so our lead goth of the group won’t be around either.

I’ve been putting some thought into what I want to do this summer regarding Dawson’s Creek. As I’ve mentioned before I only have a few episodes left to watch and a lot of summer of which it will need to pull me out of bitter depressions. Therefore I think what I am going to do, given the gap since last watching it, is start again from the very beginning.

I was toying with the idea of restarting series 6 anyway as I can’t remember trhe exact context of what was happening (I know pretty much what was happening but not all the fine details) but I think, given I have a three month summer, a total restart would be the best option.

I’m itching to start it now to be honest though. I was about to but I’ve just glanced up at my DVD shelf and realised that I only actually brought series 6 with me. I might watch some X-Files or Scrubs or something tonight, I’m up for a bit of TV even though I have to be up in a little under 8 hours. Actually I might re-watch Pirates of the Caribbean or the Family Guy movie. So many choices.

I want a t-shirt that says the following…

include <single_guy.h>

Person Chris = new Person("Chris");
if (Chris.location != "Bondi Beach Bar"
&& Chris.location != "Quilted Llama"){
    Chris.dead();
}

And on the back…

Compiler error: line 4

Found: )

Expected: && Chris.location != "Wendy House"

Bondi last night was awesome. Sarann told me it was my turn to get drunk and for them to carry my home given it’s usually the other way round so I ventured into the world of cocktails which was fun. Didn’t get to bed till like 4:30 though and Michelle woke me up at 9:00 so I’m not doing too well for sleep right now.

Holy crap. Particle Gallery has 3,379 points on HotScripts! It’s because it’s only been up like a day, maybe less but wow. My other scripts are like 5-7, with Particle Links, the really popular one almost reaching 50. I can see it taking a dramatic dive down and I guess my other scripts could have done this at first but still, “cool!”

I’m quite proud to say I managed to use the following phrase in conversation.

If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange eating class

Because that is what our first lecture on C/C++ consisted of. There was a lot of other stuff in there too but it’s hard to focus for 2 hours. Then we headed off for pool, drinks and food at the Quilted Llama. Instead of me going to town and looking for a job. Hmm.

I just went down for breakfast and granted I got up maybe 10 minutes earlier than normal but when I walked in there, there was a girl sat down eating and one person just leaving. Then two other people arrived, the girl left and then I left. So for tha total time I was down there I saw 4 other people using the refectory. Out of 700 of us. I guess nobody has to be up this early so even the people left aren’t coming down to breakfast.

This evening has just turned into a major stress ball. I have expired domains I need to sort out which I can’t do because I simply don’t have any money! Where is all my money? How did I end up with this little? I’m so screwed, I’m utterly, utterly screwed. I’m completely unemployable, I don’t even have time to look for a job given how much I have to do. I have to be in a lecture at 10 tomorrow, which is going to take all day then I have to get back, sort my stuff out and get back to town.

My VPS is overloaded with 100% CPU usage constantly despite what I’ve done so far and let’s face it I don’t really know what I’m doing. People could be abusing my server for anything and how the hell would I know what was going on?

I have to go home in two weeks and I really don’t want to and I’m just going to get a torrent of abuse over how I miserably failed to get a job as soon as I get there. My room is a total tip and I don’t know how I am going to sort everything and pack everything in time. As ever I also have a million little things to do as well which keep building up no matter how many of them you get done.

So let’s review the situation. I have virtually no money and will be on a 0 count by the end of the term along with a £1,000 overdraft and money taken from other accounts. I still have hosting bills and other things to pay for even if I ignore all socialising which costs me loads in taxis when I am at home. I have no job, my online businesses are a joke given how much time I’ve put into them and despite being at uni a whole year I am still miserably alone.

I mean, what happened to me life? Why am I such a complete failure? For the first time in memory I start to almost enjoy my life and all it does is blind me from the fact I’m not really getting anywhere and all my hopes and dreams are slowly rotting while I blind myself to the fact with uncontrollable spending, abusing my body in most of the ways possible and enough social events that I never have chance to think about anything that’s important.

I wouldn’t mind if I could continue to blind myself to the fact but I have 3 months ahead of me, where the best, the very best thing that can happen is that I get to spend 3 months working a 9-5 job every day which sucks all the joy from my life. That’s the best that can happen. At worst, I don’t even know how bad it can be but I know it’s going to involve me feeling worthless for 3 months and having no money to even pay for my next year at uni.

Far from worst of all but certainly adding insult to injury is the fact I only have about half a dozen unwatched episodes of Dawson’s Creek left. I know that sounds silly and it probably trivialises what I have just said and makes me sound like I’m joking but thoughout my time at six form, especially last summer, that know kept me alive. I mean, it mean’t everything to me. Everything! As I explained in my post in March, “the trouble with home,” I honestly don’t know what I would have done without it.

But the fact is, it’s not going to be alright. It’s not going to all work out any time soon no matter how much I regress into fantasy worlds or reassure myself that I’m going to suceed. Before uni my life was just about my websites and other such related frontiers. And yet I can’t even keep my VPS online! All uni has done is to obsecure all kind of life goals I had. If it was just putting my life on hold for a few years I could live with that, but it’s not, it’s undoing anything I tried to do, everything I still want to do because I don’t really care about a degree.

I’m reasonably certain that by tomorrow night I won’t be thinking about all this and I will be just having a good night out again. But it’s not good. I don’t know what I feel right now. But I feel like I am spiraling down towards a place I always said I would want to end my life if I reached it. And I don’t feel any different now I am looking at it.

I know I have always had rather grand dreams and having complete faith that I will achive them (which I still hold) is from an outsider’s perspective setting myself up for disappointment, it’s not like I’m getting anything here. My life goals are going completely unforfilled, this is so far from where I wanted to be by the time I was facing 20 it’s a joke and by the time I have time to stop and try and sort my life out it’s probably going to be Christmas and I’ll be almost half way through my degree course.

I don’t know what to do now. My grand plan for my life has never really been that precise but that’s because it didn’t need to be. Now it does. I need to be doing something, and I’m not, I’m just failing miserably. And it’s not going to get better any time soon.

It would appear my VPS is under attack from spammers. Which would seem to be the reason why my VPS is always crashing as there is tonnes of mail getting sent out from it which I am now cracking down on. Clearing the mail queue from WHM is going to take an age though given there are something like 40,000 emails in it.

I need to be in bed in the next 30 minutes ideally as I need to be up at 8:30 for breakfast and lectures tomorrow but I haven’t done any of my daily website updates yet so it’s looking like I’m going to be hard pushed. And I need to sort my domains out as rawice.com seems to have expired, RegisterFly are trying to get more money off me which I’m sure I paid for but I don’t have time to check it out, not that I have the money to pay them with either. And I need to find a job for the aforementioned reason.