Archive for June, 2006

This evening has just turned into a major stress ball. I have expired domains I need to sort out which I can’t do because I simply don’t have any money! Where is all my money? How did I end up with this little? I’m so screwed, I’m utterly, utterly screwed. I’m completely unemployable, I don’t even have time to look for a job given how much I have to do. I have to be in a lecture at 10 tomorrow, which is going to take all day then I have to get back, sort my stuff out and get back to town.

My VPS is overloaded with 100% CPU usage constantly despite what I’ve done so far and let’s face it I don’t really know what I’m doing. People could be abusing my server for anything and how the hell would I know what was going on?

I have to go home in two weeks and I really don’t want to and I’m just going to get a torrent of abuse over how I miserably failed to get a job as soon as I get there. My room is a total tip and I don’t know how I am going to sort everything and pack everything in time. As ever I also have a million little things to do as well which keep building up no matter how many of them you get done.

So let’s review the situation. I have virtually no money and will be on a 0 count by the end of the term along with a £1,000 overdraft and money taken from other accounts. I still have hosting bills and other things to pay for even if I ignore all socialising which costs me loads in taxis when I am at home. I have no job, my online businesses are a joke given how much time I’ve put into them and despite being at uni a whole year I am still miserably alone.

I mean, what happened to me life? Why am I such a complete failure? For the first time in memory I start to almost enjoy my life and all it does is blind me from the fact I’m not really getting anywhere and all my hopes and dreams are slowly rotting while I blind myself to the fact with uncontrollable spending, abusing my body in most of the ways possible and enough social events that I never have chance to think about anything that’s important.

I wouldn’t mind if I could continue to blind myself to the fact but I have 3 months ahead of me, where the best, the very best thing that can happen is that I get to spend 3 months working a 9-5 job every day which sucks all the joy from my life. That’s the best that can happen. At worst, I don’t even know how bad it can be but I know it’s going to involve me feeling worthless for 3 months and having no money to even pay for my next year at uni.

Far from worst of all but certainly adding insult to injury is the fact I only have about half a dozen unwatched episodes of Dawson’s Creek left. I know that sounds silly and it probably trivialises what I have just said and makes me sound like I’m joking but thoughout my time at six form, especially last summer, that know kept me alive. I mean, it mean’t everything to me. Everything! As I explained in my post in March, “the trouble with home,” I honestly don’t know what I would have done without it.

But the fact is, it’s not going to be alright. It’s not going to all work out any time soon no matter how much I regress into fantasy worlds or reassure myself that I’m going to suceed. Before uni my life was just about my websites and other such related frontiers. And yet I can’t even keep my VPS online! All uni has done is to obsecure all kind of life goals I had. If it was just putting my life on hold for a few years I could live with that, but it’s not, it’s undoing anything I tried to do, everything I still want to do because I don’t really care about a degree.

I’m reasonably certain that by tomorrow night I won’t be thinking about all this and I will be just having a good night out again. But it’s not good. I don’t know what I feel right now. But I feel like I am spiraling down towards a place I always said I would want to end my life if I reached it. And I don’t feel any different now I am looking at it.

I know I have always had rather grand dreams and having complete faith that I will achive them (which I still hold) is from an outsider’s perspective setting myself up for disappointment, it’s not like I’m getting anything here. My life goals are going completely unforfilled, this is so far from where I wanted to be by the time I was facing 20 it’s a joke and by the time I have time to stop and try and sort my life out it’s probably going to be Christmas and I’ll be almost half way through my degree course.

I don’t know what to do now. My grand plan for my life has never really been that precise but that’s because it didn’t need to be. Now it does. I need to be doing something, and I’m not, I’m just failing miserably. And it’s not going to get better any time soon.

It would appear my VPS is under attack from spammers. Which would seem to be the reason why my VPS is always crashing as there is tonnes of mail getting sent out from it which I am now cracking down on. Clearing the mail queue from WHM is going to take an age though given there are something like 40,000 emails in it.

I need to be in bed in the next 30 minutes ideally as I need to be up at 8:30 for breakfast and lectures tomorrow but I haven’t done any of my daily website updates yet so it’s looking like I’m going to be hard pushed. And I need to sort my domains out as rawice.com seems to have expired, RegisterFly are trying to get more money off me which I’m sure I paid for but I don’t have time to check it out, not that I have the money to pay them with either. And I need to find a job for the aforementioned reason.

Why is watching something at a scheduled time so captivating?

This happens to be all the time but here I’m at a perfect example. Resident Evil is on Channel 4. I’ve just missed the first 10 minutes. I have it on DVD (though I dunno if I have it here) and Janine has just offered me her DVD but for some reason I am watching it on TV with adverts and possible reception problems. I have no real want to watch the DVD. Yet I have been looking forward to watching it on TV.

You see, there is just something about watching a film on a scheduled time on TV. I’ve done it before. I have a film on DVD that I rarely watch and yet when it’s on TV I will. Is it because I can watch the DVD any time but the TV is an opportunity only available at a certain time? The added bonus that many others will be watching it with me? Less effort than reaching up to my DVD shelf? Who knows.

I came across this site yesterday which provided royality free audio for enducational and personal use which is useful.

Today’s social activities consisted of the anime soc BBQ which I left about 4:45 as I wasn’t feeling mega sociable. I was also planning on going to the rock soc BBQ but again same problem and by the time I got a reply off Claire as to where I was going I needed to go meet John anyway. Which also mean’t that I didn’t get chance to go to Phil’s gathering. Good to know I’m in high demand though :D.

But yeah I met John at the Quilted Llama for some pool but someone was on the table so we went to The Terrace which was almost empty when I went in half an hour ago. By the time we got there that had filled up enough for both pool tables to be occupied though. In there we found Oli and Oli so all four of us set off down to the Old Bar what was even more empty when I checked it last time. People on that pool table too. Plan 4, Game On, that has plenty of pool tables. But that was getting used as a cloak room so we weren’t allowed in there (another example of how it isn’t our union).

On to plan 5, go to Yates. A very risky move given that it was a Saturday and therefore packed with locals. And there were people on all 5 tables! Although we eventually managed to grab one. After that we went to The Library and got another drink and another few games of pool before going to Luckys and heading home.

Went to the Bricklayers Arms for the Roc Soc social tonight at the invitation of Claire. Stayed there till they kicked everyone out then walked Claire home although that took some time as some random old guy in sheltered accommodation needed us to help him into his house which took forever. But now I have take-away so it’s all good.

Today was a day of filming. I was supposed to be meeting Craig in town at 11 though we didn’t show until 11:30. In the mean time I met Janine taking Liz shopping round Leeds though which was quite amusing as I looked up to see Janine waving and screaming my name across the street. It was a quite effective way of getting my attention to be honest.

Afterwards we headed back to Bod and filmed the spoof trailer for Mission Impossible 3 I had written and then moved on to starting a mockumentary about 6/6/6 and the devil and rock music and so on. We’re not really sure what it’s about either.

I also got round to showing Capturing the Smiths to Steph as well which I was pleased with the result. It turns out it should never see the light of day again because it’s so wrong not because it’s so bad. She seemed quite impressed by my cinematography which is the important things, I can always make more stuff about subjects not quite so close to the line :D.

Here’s my comment I tried to post to your MySpace blog post about having time to blog…

Indeed there is always time to blog, even if you don’t actually have time. Because you can blog really fast if you make a short post (which is the beauty of blogs, you can) and if you have something to talk about you will do it immediately and so even if you don’t actually have time, it’s not the blog that will get skipped or delayed :D.

Plus blogging is very important as us being students, if you don’t blog what we have done, we don’t have a chance of remembering it. This entire year has been a fuzy blur to me to which the only record of is my blog.

Predictably, here is the response MySpace’s server gave me…

Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred.

This error has been forwarded to MySpace’s technical group.

Seriously, an error with MySpace? Such a thing is unheard of.

Woo my server is still online. It’s worrying that, that has become a luxary. Also, I’m wondering why I arrived back to find that I no longer had the metal plate with my room number on my door. The screws were still in place, albeit badly so someone has obviously taken it off and put them back on again. They must have done it during the day though.

Anyway, title explaining time. I didn’t actually spent 10 hours in Quilted Llama technically. I also want to point out that I haven’t made a mispelling, llama is spelt with two l’s both when talking about the place and also the animal. Interesting fact of the day :p.

But yeah, Maths Chris was holding his Otley Run today which he had invited 50-60 people to. We were meeting in Woodies at 1 which myself and Maths Chris arrived on time for. Michelle also joined us. By the time an hour had passed, Kieran had also joined us. Good turn out :p. So we decided to skip the run and head to a cheap bar, I jumped at the chance to suggest Quilted Llama as I hadn’t been there in a week. We ended up staying there all night, on the top floor, playing a lot of pool. By about 10 there was only myself and Claire left and we ended up drinking at the bar after that right up until they closed at 12 at which point they said just go through to Halo so we ended up dancing to R n B for an hour before I walked Claire home and got the bus back to Bod.

Good night although when we were in Halo this random guy comes up to me and starts asking me what’s my problem with his girlfriend. I hadn’t actually noticed him before then and we couldn’t work out whether he actually had a girlfriend but after having a go at me and even having a go at Claire the bouncer threw him out. I should have done the “yeah you better run” after he got dragged off but oh well.

So yeah, we got to Quilted Llama about 3, spent 9 hours there, went through to Halo and spent another hour there so I didn’t leave the building for 10 hours. I think that’s quite cool :D. The drinks went up in price eventually but they were still £1.60 for a bottle which is still a kick ass price. Even more awesome I realised that next year I will be 5 minutes walk from the Quilted Llama :D.

My VPS has spent more time down than it has up over the past few days. I’m going to start pulling some accounts.