While the excessive drinking of uni has been great at blocking out the reality of real life over the past 18 months or so, now I’ve hit the big 2-0, it’s no longer working as well. I’m worried sometimes that I am even loosing my love of material posessions. It passes then I go back to planning what I am getting for my next computer (which Christmas work should fund nicely :p). I’m also starting to question why I’m doing a degree when I can’t stand lectures, they are all so very, very boring, clock watching affairs.
The thought of coursework is constantly playing on my mind, as is work. I’m still enjoying it when I’m doing closes and such but they might well get more stressful now our store manager is back (who stresses me out a bit anyway as I can’t figure him out) and I’m doing an open next Wednesday and I don’t like day shifts (anything after 3pm is good, but I don’t like mornings at work) and this weekend is going to be tiring and stressful as I’ve got a close Friday, day shift Saturday then I have to rush back for Wendy and then get back home Sunday for another close.
It seems all I do these days is send emails to people because something isn’t working or there is a problem or just general burocracy and incompetance. Nothing is ever simple, everything is some kind of giant battle for no good reason from running an online empire right down to the hours you have to spend planning when to charge your phone to stop it dieing on you in the middle of day. It’s now gone 2am but I don’t want to sleep because it means I will soon wake up and have to deal with everything in the morning.
With that in mind, I think I need to inject some direction back into my life. I’m not exactly sure how that counteracts most of the above mentioned problems. And it certainly doesn’t counteract the problems that didn’t get mentioned (notably that I’m still single and am losing faith in my very self as the “good guy,” the one characteristic I thought I could fall back on) but I don’t exactly have a plan B right now. I guess it could take my mind off other issues and eventually allow me to quit my job and my degree and do something I actually give a crap about.
So, putting direction back into my life. To me, that means lots and lots of website launches. Makes sense, they are making money quite solidly and the more sites I have the better it seems to be working providing I’m launching the right kind of sites and am focusing on the important issues of various sites (some sites need regularly updated content, some need nothing and you need to know which is which and indeed which of the sites that need the regular content are worth the time and effort).
I want to get some other projects going too. I have one or two ideas for film projects, especially those that form a series of shorts so I can leverage the userbase of sites like YouTube and the social networks.
I’m also toying with the idea of more service orientated projects. I’ve been running my web hosting business down for a while now (I’ve kept it up but not been accepting new clients) as the profit margins for budget hosts are crap and for better hosts, as a massive webmaster myself I know are looking for things like 24×7x365 support which you have to be a big hosting company to provide so I don’t think it’s worth it. Still, once I get my server up and running (which my next computer will be) there are a few directions I could go with that.
Then again, let’s look at what is realistically going to happen. Probably very little. Nothing is going to change, nothing is going to get better and in a few days time, maybe a week I’m going to come back here and blog the situation. It’s inevitably going to play out as generically as a Hollywood screenplay except that quote unquote hero doesn’t get the victory, the girl or the happy ending.
I don’t know why you read this. It’s the same crap I always write. It’s the same crap I wrote 5 days ago. You’ve spent what, 5-10 minutes reading this post? That’s 5-10 minutes of your life you’re never going to get back. It’s an hour or so of my life writing it I’m never going to get back. Is the world somehow richer for it? Is at least my mind even a little clearer for having contemplated it? Take a wild guess, I recon you’ll be pretty accurate. Stop typing Chris. Just stop typing.
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November 16th, 2006 at 9:45 am
If you don’t mind me saying I think that your problem is you are looking for something or someone to provide you with your direction. This is sadly not the case, you have to find our what makes you happy yourself and go in search of that.
As soon as you start believing in what you choose to do on a day to day basis the sooner it will make you happy. If you choose to write code for example, you have to truely believe thats what you want to do and that it makes you happy, otherwise the underlying disbelief in what you are doing creeps back in and undermines everything you are trying to achieve (direction and happiness).
That most likely came accross like a load of rubbish, but I thought I’d try and offer some advice in the 5 minutes before I have to leave for SY21
November 20th, 2006 at 11:42 am
Deep. Very deep.
Welcome to my world, except that I’m hitting the big 2-6…
I think that it’s becoming a general feeling amongst a lot of us, this lack of motivational feeling. It’s damn hard doing a degree when the course content doesn’t inspire one.
All I can offer in terms of advice is very little. Keep doing the things that are making you happy, and maybe a spark of inspiration will come your way.
Either that or become a professional hitman.